rip it open!

Let me tell you a little story. 

The other night, a women I have never met, called me rude at work. Not a big deal. I have gotten complaints before. Some people think I am rude, as hard as I try, I’m not perfect and this is the repercussion of being blunt or whatever, I guess.(I’m working on it) I am typically hard to offend. This time though was different. Tears immediately sprang to my eyes! I was so hurt. Not because of what she had said, but simply because she had attacked me at all. As she saw my facial expression shift she started to soften. I simply apologized and moved on to other work. Usually, like I said, this just isn’t a big deal, but that night all I wanted to do was yell at that women: “WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES!” I wanted to list the reasons why a 22 year old would be tired on a Sunday night. I had worked a wedding the day before, then gone straight to work to work a 16 hour shift where the phone was ringing off the hook and I got no sleep, then I had to come straight to panera just so you could have a bagel, AND I was sick. Seriously lady back off!!

Now please spare your pity. I am so self righteous in even thinking I am justified in any of my actions just because I had a rough day. I hope you are reading this and think: “Liz get over yourself!” So true. I need to take the heat and not be prideful. But right now everything hits like a ton of bricks. Everything.

So here’s the deal. For the sake of authenticity. For the sake of being real with all of you. All you people who read this blog, apparently there are more of you than I thought, I need to be raw. This isn’t pretty and I wish I didn’t feel lead to share this, but I do. I want to preface this with asking everyone to please with- hold your sympathy. This is just life, and although life might be a little rough for me right now, I am held together by the grace of God in whom I share in my sufferings. My joy is over flowing!

SO I am a little booger. I am a bratty fighter. I am a girl on a mission. I haven’t figured it all out, but I am getting there. I have a theory about people like me: there is a very easy way to break us. Get us sick and tell us we are moving to a city with new opportunities that are completely unknown. Do this, all at the same time, and you have a recipe for a tailspin. 

So here I am: really anxious and scared about this big move that is now looming over my head. I don’t have a place to live. I am leaving my amazing friends and I have to make new ones. I am starting a new job. I am prematurely missing my family. I am upset that I don’t have things figured out. I am stressed to the max. Then what follows this, is my body decides its time for some minor medical problems. Not a huge deal, but for this lady with no insurance and a personal anti-medicine campaign it can be very frustrating and stressful. The problems I am having make me very emotional and put me in lots of pain. Not so fun. Those two areas where things I thought I had control over. 6 months ago, those two huge things where right how I wanted them to be. Healthy body and seemingly good life. Welp there goes my control and down to my knees I fall before the Lord. He has me in the palm of His hand, right where He wants me for teaching and pulling me closer to Him. But this whole “do all these big girl things, and make all these big girl decisions.” is kinda tiring and very lonely. Business takes time away from loved ones. Hard to keep a balance. 

So here I am today. Exhausted. Sick. Stressed. Pensive. Prayerful. Some what hopeful. I cant even begin to list the amount of things that are pushing my emotional envelope. I walk into my kitchen and ANTS had attacked my trash. I had just taken hours YESTERDAY to clean my entire apartment and the medication I am on makes me easily nauseous. Nothing really grosses me out, but I was about to hurl all over these ants and my kitchen. What was my big girl solution? I went into my room and started crying and I called my mom. She didn’t answer. I then called my little sister, who is away at college with much bigger fish to fry, and cried to her about the ants in my kitchen. She, then called my mom and my mom, MY MOM, graciously came over and cleaned all the ants out of my kitchen. I think this is the most grown up moment I have ever had!

I kinda kicked myself after it was all over. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! 

I am a 22 year old, self sustaining, capable person. I can surely handle some life changes and being sick. I certainly can handle ants in my kitchen!

Unfortunately that’s not true. I am tired. I don’t want to keep rowing my boat up the river. I want to sit and pout. I know its time to pick up my big girl pants and keep going. I need to get back in the ring. I need to keep striving toward what the Lord has laid before me. And I will. I have never failed, with the help of Christ, to get back up when I am knocked down and I usually come back feistier and more determined than the time before. God is so good and I know I will and already am learning so much through all of this. But tonight I am going to ride out this moment. Because I am a human. I am a women. I have emotions. No matter how invalid they are, they are right there in front of me screaming to be let loose. So right now I am telling all of you. 

I don’t have some big spiritual application. I haven’t come to any resolution. I have faith that I am going to wake up in the morning to a new day and I am going to seize it, but tonight I am going to bed early. 

That’s it folks. raw as I know how to be. I am a little embarrassed that I am sharing this, but this is part of my journey. Jump on the back of my bike. We can cry over ants in the kitchen or spilt milk, or something else petty and yell at people and tell them our lives are terrible. Hey its just one day.

RAW: not having undergone processes of preparing, dressing,finishing, refining, or manufacture.


2 thoughts on “rip it open!

  1. Do NOT beat yourself up over crying. Seriously. I’m sure by the time I have read this you haven’t thought about it anymore but take a moment to remember that you are a human being, and a woman at that. Which it sounds like you did. Bravo to you on your persistence to be wonderwoman by the grace of God. You do not give yourself a break and that’s the only way you can manage to go. But don’t you dare kick yourself for calling your mom to come spray some ants. You said you aren’t perfect but it seems like you don’t believe that it’s ok. God is perfect so you don’t have to be right now. One day, you will be perfect. It’s good to strive towards God’s will in that. But cut yourself some slack because you aren’t the first person who has cried over something you think is “invalid” or “silly”. Also, I don’t mean this to be sympathetic. I mean this to be yelling at you that God is perfect. Jesus did the perfect thing because God KNEW. Not to use it as an excuse. But to let yourself be human.
    Nonetheless, best wishes on this next season of your life. You work very hard and are the opposite of me in that and I really respect that. I hugely respect that you do not allow yourself room to throw a pity party because those just are not necessary at all. Just don’t push yourself into breakdowns.

  2. Thank you very much for the encouragement! You are very sweet. I am well aware that I not perfect and that I dont have to be, praise God! I am not good at the whole crying thing, but I am totally learning. I dont think I will ever be a big fan of pity parties, but I am learning to give myself room to be a girl and cry over the silly little things. I actually really embraced that moment because I felt fully women! But again this was very encouraging and I really truly appreciate the reminder!

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