As many of you know, I spent the past week in Portland Oregon. For those of you who haven’t ever been, you are missing out on the exposure to the weirdest people on this side of the Mississippi! For those of you who know and love Portland, you know that there is a thing called the MAX. Public transportation. Everyone and there mother rides the max. It has four tracks and can take you anywhere around Portland and into the suburbs. There are lots of weird people on the MAX (just like the rest of Portland).
On one of my many trips, there was someone different. A lady sat down. She wasn’t particularly stylish, but she knew how to dress her body. Simple office women clothes, grey jacket, black slacks, and an oddly arranged shiny red scarf hung from her neck. She sat down very poised. She seemed content. She wasn’t in a rush. She was simple. She just sat there. She had a half smile delicately placed upon her make up-less, yet very beautiful face. She seemed thoughtful, but nothing seemed pressing. She had a ring on her finger and a phone in her hand. She received a message, and as I watched her pause, as if she was searching for something witty to say, she gave up, sent a reply and then shrugged and stared out into the city. The whole ride she was unamused by the noisy people on the train that where barking out vulgarity. Her eyes only moved from the window and to her phone. She looked out into the city as if she had never seen it before, although it was obvious that this was home. Her eyes traced the lines of the buildings, her head turned with each whip around of the MAX. She looked at all things she saw with appreciation. She never noticed my obvious glaring. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I sat there and pondered why I found her simplicity so mesmerizing. After she exited the MAX, I still wondered. For the rest of the week I thought about her. She was unfazed by the world. She had a way about her, a subtle confidence. My conclusion of this nameless women is that I am jealous of her.
My life is string of unknowns. I am in the middle of nomad-om and it feels as though sometimes I am wondering in the dark. Sure this is the experience of my early 20’s, but that doesn’t make things any easier. I long for that sort of security. The kind that seemed to radiate from her.
I could tell you a million stories, about how much fun I had. I could tell you about all my wonderful friends, about the delicious food I ate. About laughing and catching up and moving my best friend into school, and driving a million hours, and how cold it was, and my good talks with people, and the places I went… I’m not going to. By far the most impacting moment I had was with that women. That moment revealed to my head my heart. It doesn’t have to make sense, but in that moment I could got a clear picture of my loneliness, my heart break, my loss, and in turn my HOPE.
There is something around this river bend. I might be swimming up river, but there is something. I have joy that God’s mercies are made new every morning. That His grace is poured out on me and His blood was shed for me.
I haven’t let go of that moment. God used a women on a train to show me myself. This heart of mine is going through so much. Someday I’ll understand. For now I will rejoice in my maker who knows me best.
And Sarah Willis I miss your face like hell.