Frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
That word is love.”- Sophocles
For so long I have waited for the time when I could write this. I never wanted to write about this without giving everyone the facts. I also didn’t want to write about this until it was over. Through much prayer, I have decided it is better for anyone who has ever experienced anything like, what I am going through to walk though the last leg of this journey with me. The story I am going to tell is really important and very personal. I ask that people respect the words I write and that the purpose of this post would be clearly seen: to glorify God and to help others.
Lets start at the beginning. Where we always should start.
On January 4th 2012 I had my first experience with what would soon become my daily pain. I was having excruciating pain in my lower abdomen. I wanted to go to the E.R. but I don’t have insurance so I waited until the next day. When I went to the doctor they told me I had a cyst in my uterus. I was a little scared, but I didn’t know the severity of the matter so I ignored it. 6 months later that pain came again, it was worse. It returned the next month. Again it was worse. Then it came the next week and once a week pain quickly turned into once a day.
I don’t know how to describe what days in pain feel like. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed. Sometimes I’m up all night crying. It is piercing shooting pain. It cripples my body. It vibrates through all of me. I often can’t keep food down, and end up purging from the pain. Those are bad days. The days I don’t want to be alive. I question everything those days. My loved ones devotion to me. My sanity. Gods purpose. My ability to press forward. I feel totally out of control, I don’t know how to make it stop.
Then there’s other days. Those days its subtle. Its like someone is whispering a reminder to me that I am in a great deal of pain, just not right this second. Those days I survive. My joy is totally robbed. I know what I have gone through in this pain and I know whats coming next because of that dull lingering pain.
There are some days with no pain. Those are few and far between. I wish I could say those where most days. They aren’t.
When the pain started to intensify I went on birth control as was recommended. I had a very bad reaction right away. The first two weeks I experienced morning sickness. I broke out with really bad acne. I lost weight and my appetite. Once my body adapted I still had side effects. The ones that made the biggest impact where the emotional ones. It was hard enough to be in pain, then you tack on roller coaster hormones and you have a recipe for a crazy lady. They almost entirely took over all my reasoning and emotions. I was feeling, saying, doing, and thinking things that had never been a part of who I am. My feelings where easily hurt and I seemed to be constantly lashing out at someone. Usually it was those closest to me.
Although God has been with me through all of this in very vivid ways, and I will get to that, this pain made life not worth living. When I was in loads of pain, I wanted it to all end so badly. I just wanted to go meet Jesus and escape from the pain. I didn’t want to be around anyone and no amount of reasoning would help me to see things clearly. I saw the world through a veil of my pain. It is truly an awful existence and that is what lead me to the end of my rope.
God truly has been glorified through this. He has shown me what sharing in the suffering of Christ is. I understand the Gospel more richly now that I have a taste of how I DIDN’T have to suffer for my sins because it has been done. I have pressed into Him for comfort. Even on days when I feel like I have completely lost myself, I have a God who always seems to show me where Liz is.
I have lost a lot of me. Liz seems to somehow have taken on the sickness as a personality. I have gotten very used to toughing it out. I don’t complain nearly as often as there’s pain. I don’t tell others how my heart hurts. How lonely I have felt. How misunderstood. I just haven’t given the people I know that love me most an understanding at all of what I am going through. Mostly it has been out of fear. I’m a afraid at how they will react. Afraid of the truth. Just afraid.
There was one thing I was really missing in all this. In my perception of the Gospel, in my need to tough it out, in my suffering, I missed the healing. The Lord is loving and does not desire for His children to suffer. I have had the greatest struggle in giving up my fight and my control, and allowing God to heal me however that may be.
After visiting a few doctors, I have no answers. The results, at this point are inconclusive to why I am in this much pain. Instead of getting second opinions, or trying again, I want to hide from the truth and continue to just grin and bear it.
I have a few close to me that I call when a new symptom arises (it feels like every few days there’s something new and different) will tell me that this is an emergency and I need to go see a doctor right now!! Again I have ignored there words of caution, like a stubborn ox. I am walking myself in to be slaughtered. I am playing with what the Bible says is a temple of the Lord. I’ve been allowing it to potentially fall to ruins.
Over this last weekend, I’ve only gotten worse. I’m going to withhold the details of where my health is. I have enough people worried about me. It’s hard enough to talk about this. What you need to know is that God has my life in His hands and he will continue to prove it over and over again. Still, I am tacking on medical bills like its going out of style, getting sicker and sicker, and more lost than ever.
I’ve spent the majority of this evening pleading before the Lord for an answer…a reason…a purpose. I know that God has a plan, I know people around me love me and desire for me to be healthy, I know that eventually I can figure it out. That doesn’t fix today. The only thing that does is hope.
I have nothing to go on at this point but HOPE. Hope that God saves, provides, gives wisdom, healing. Hope I can hold it together through the rest of this. And when I lose hope, he proves me wrong! He has given me people, people I never would have expected to be there for me, to come alongside me and hold me up. How could I doubt it!
And yah know, I’ve learned, in all this, that I have to stop being brave. I thought I had to be brave, and not give into the pain. I wasn’t really being brave, and I was scaring everyone else around me. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, but from now on, I’m trying!
So please join me. This could be the begining or the end, eithe