My humanity, my personal story, who I am and what I struggle with, is now on display for the world to see. I went from being prideful quiet in my fight with my disease to allowing everyone who loves me to yell it from the rooftops. I let them splash it all over social media. I am now on display for the entire world to see and the thing they want to see has been my biggest secret for the past year. Humble doesn’t even begin to describe what that does to me.
I have a story to tell. Everyone now knows that story. I don’t want to tell my story anymore. Instead I want to tell you the heart behind the girl who fights her invisible disease. My heart is my last secret. I’m going to give it to you.
When I started my trial I was so confused. I had no idea why this was happening. I wanted the end to come. Just get through this day. An answer to these questions. And once I know that I’ll be at the end and free of my affliction. The end never came. It won’t ever come.
Grappling with the fact that this is the rest of my life, is a struggle that daily ours over my breaking soul. I’ve lost so much. My heart is so broken. My body also broken. I’m hurting. Always hurting. I constantly have tears pressing on the rims of my eyes and a knot in my throat. Why God? What the hell are you doing to me? How dare you afflict your good and faithful servant! I’m not Job! Stop robbing me of my life. Please God relent. When I’m in my deepest amounts of pain I curl up in a ball on my bathroom floor and whimper for the Lord to release me. Still I lay in pain.
I’ve lost many things. First and most obviously my body, but also my confidence, being able to eat when I want, my ability to do certain things, reign over my emotions, some of my closest friends, my job, my finances are a mess, my relationships have completely changed, and again I’ve lost the thing I valued the least; my body.
I am unworthy of the blessing of this trial.
For although God allowed all those things to be taken away from me, He blessed me far beyond those things. My relationship with Him has become a rich romance of His glory and mercy over me. He never ceases to show me He loves me. I can’t tell you how many people have come into my life to show me Christ’s love in radical ways! He has blessed me with the most beautiful fellowship, giving me many women to carry me through my illness who have also struggled as well as showing me how precious my friends are and their infinite amounts of love for me. He is tender in His leading me through this. Tender in His pushing me into a place of humility. Tender in His comfort and the way He wraps me in His cloak of Grace.
Last night I was in so much pain, I was begging Him to take me home, after hours of struggling into the night, rest finally fell over me. When I woke my lips were voluntarily singing His praises. My love for my Savior has never been so strong. My hope has never run so deep. I have never felt so weak.
I no longer ask God why. I no longer ask how. I never ask when.
I only ask who. Who are you God? The answer is always the same: Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End, Savior, Messiah, Redeemer, Friend. Lord of Lord, King of Kings, Mighty God, Lord of everything!
And certainly He is Lord and reigns over all my afflictions
This little sheep is so broken, she is so bruised, she is so scared of surgery, she has been so hurt. All that I beg of you is to see the glory He deserves for giving me this disease. May I never clench my fists and curse His name!