stare at the wall. stare at my hands. stare off. pull at my hair. i can read? i dont wanna read. i just watched a long movie. no more tv. how many hours till my next thing again? okay 3. okay read. no read. ill just stare. cat in my face. i wish i was home. i wish i had my car. no no no im not suuupppooossseed to do anything. stare. i have no reason to be bored. what is wrong with me? i can think of seven laying activities. stare. i could call someone. stare. take a shower? stare. *grabs book and starts reading* ive been defeated!
Something is seriously wrong with me that I can’t stay still. That my mind never ceases it’s racing. My body never wants to stop moving.
There are two things in this world that make me anxious: One when I am out of control of circumstances that I should or have been in control of. Two when I feel I am wasting time.
God has really broken me of my control issues. He broke me hard and He broke me good. Now onto the other subject I believe in my deceitful heart that spending hours upon hours laying around, waiting to heal when I feel better than I have in a year, just feels absolutely and ridiculously pointless.
It’s the little things in life that always teach me. I know for a fact that medically, financially, morally, realistically, there is nothing I’m supposed to do but lay here and heal even if it bores me to tears. The last thing I could possibly handle is relapsing and falling back into that pit of pain I just fought myself out of, but for heaven sakes all I want to do is some work!
I have had a few days of internal battling. I’ve been pretty busy all things considered, with visitors and such. But still the cauldron within me brews.
Studying Romans this past week I landed on 8:18-31. As I took notes I paused for reflection and let my hand flow to release my heart.
The result was this thought: “My heart is ever so anxious. I want to always go and do. I want to live out every moment to it’s fullest, even though I don’t know what that means. Why do I desire this? Why do I go to bed late only to rise early? Is it because my anxious heart is unsettled on this earth? Is it because I’m looking for a better glory? My heart cries for change! If only the change within me was enough. But I need it all. I need death on a cross to release my anxious heart.”
This doesn’t have to make sense. It was my heart spilling out with ink.
Fact of the matter is, ALL anxiousness is our hearts view and thus separation from the Gospel. The Gospel releases us, it frees our chains to be and do. I am free from my anxiety that my life has no purpose if I’m not earning a buck, exchanging words with someone o having an intelligent thought. This is the end for me. I am released to be me and sit here and stare, or read, or be bored, or whatever. For my heart will not be settled until complete redemption. Until death or tribulation I will not be free from my deceitful heart. My only way to be released of these earthly chains is to submit to my Father and allow Him to move in my imperfections. In that He will slowly unravel the coils around my soul and allow me to breathe easy. It’s that or self condemn my humanity. No thanks.
(Let no one assume I don’t think there is consequences for sin. Not what I’m saying.)
I will continue to lay here for the next 3 weeks and I will surrender myself to my Savior who wants my heart. I will heal in His presence. I can’t think of anything more productive.
“We are a work in progress our whole lives, if we were finished we’d be dead. What else would there be to do?” -Sarah Willis