Youth, it has a way of keeping you naïve, vulnerable, and making you over complicate things. As I lay my head on the pillow, on a night of great grief, I weigh the heaviness of decisions, that I feel like I would be better equipped to make when I’m 40. I know in my heart that that won’t make it any easier. The simple truth is, these emotions are mom emotions. Brokenness surrounds me. I want t to find a wooded area and run until my feet bleed. I scream out into the shoulder of a friend who feels my agony. It hurts so bad that gasping for breath is difficult. The pain is one of the deepest I have ever felt and it’s not for me. The simple reality is that sometimes the life God has called me too, although filled with such beautiful blessings, is also filled with endless heartbreak. I go home from work feeling drained, only to be overwhelmed by all the rest that life outside has to offer. My heart can barely keep up with my schedule. I follow these tired moments with hitting my emotions out on the pavement. As I run, I think about the fact that this is all a choice. I’m called sure, but I can walk away.
No, never. It doesn’t even seem like an option. For in that, who I am would be left behind as well.
I can’t tell you how many blogs I’ve started in the last few weeks without following through. I’ve been overwhelmed with emotions this month. That’s right folks, emotions. Life’s been a little tough.
No, it’s not too much.
No, it’s not over.
No, it’s not even that bad.
Is this the nature of the beast? Yep, you bet. Should we walk around pretending that brokenness doesn’t exist? I’d have to say no to that.
Everyday is a reminder that I can’t do it alone. And I don’t just mean without Jesus. I can’t do it without all these other people in my life who pour into me. I often try to just wrestle it out with the Father. I’m walking around limping and bruised, what makes me think I don’t need people to help put me back together. And I’m thankful for that. And still there’s the sting. The sting on my head and my heart weighs on me and drags itself into everything. Like the stretch of garbage would follow me into each room I entered, had I rolled myself in a trashcan. But still hope follows me.
Sometimes I don’t know what I’m hoping for. Sometimes my heart hurts too badly. Sometimes the stories overwhelm too much. But still the Spirit within me hopes.
For Christ was broken. He was broken for all brokenness. He was broken to remove the sting. Yea everything still hurts, but now we can cleave to the Cross-of redemption. Now we can hope on the coming kingdom. Now we come directly before the father and beckon for change. Even beckon for an answer. The Crucifixion draws me and whispers to my aching heart “I suffered too, I suffered for you. Tell Me about your pain, I want to take it from you. Cry out, cry on My chest. I want your tears.” When I toss at Him the rags that are my idols, false hope, and self-assurance, I get in returned the richness of His wisdom and the reality of His truth. Sometimes I think this trade isn’t fair. I am trading a penny for a million dollars. I’m undeserving and yet I feel too proud to take it. I push it away until I’m sick in the stomach. I must always reach out for His hand. For His hope. For Love.
So, life’s not perfect over here, but its pretty wonderful. If laughter is the cure for what ails, I’ve had plenty. If grace is needed, I’ve received. If life is better spent in the company of those you love, I’m surrounded. Yea I have a job that kicks my butt and breaks my heart, but I’m doing something hard for the kingdom. What did I expect? Walking through flower fields?
Are things going to change? Probably not. Not till Jesus comes back. So until then or until I go to my heavenly wedding (a day I look forward too), I am called to keep seeking lost souls and telling them that there is Love and that Love died to free them. Until all the lost are found, we have to keep looking for the one. I have to take care of the lambs.
So tonight, on this simple evening, I want to cheers, to new tomorrows. To thankfulness. And lastly to feelings, cause I have some of those!